I’m listening to MightyTeapot's Teatime, perhaps in celebration of something distinctly European. Speaking of Europe, Gamescom is tommorow! Personally, my gaming plate is completely stuffed between Guild Wars 2: Secrets of the Obscure and Armored Core VI. I genuninely require no extra hype nor copium to continue on. As a result, I did my best to crop my usual gamer edge from this lovely bingo card.
This is also a release. I just tried using Hemmingway and Grammarly on my last two posts. Frankly, I hate them both, and by both I mean both softwares and both posts. I’m back to just blasting rough drafts and will incorporate corrective software after the fact.
Anything about DokeV
PearlAbyss’s pokemon like is in development heck. A MMO scaled back to a single player experience always spells trouble, but I genuinely miss the game being the exact opposite of Black Desert.
Paralives Release Date
I don’t expect the Sims 5 to drop tommorow, but I am nuts for its replacement. It seems like a good time to get expectations set for maybe 2024?
VR GAME
Ahh VR. Ambitious but ultimately small. Still, there’s always hope a VR GAME will try to breach the veil of small reveals at Meta Connect. This is an expression of hope for a format that has yet to find its footing.
AmongUs gets another update
Listen, AmongUs’s presence as the indie-game-that-could in major, big bucks presentations always brings a chuckle. Let it steal the thunder of yet another brown AAA shooter.
Larian flexes
Europe’s absolutely greatest triumph deserves a little celebration. Baldur’s Gate 3 has absolutely obliterated steamcharts. Give us Sven in armor!
Snowboard game
The video game ecosystem needs another snowboard game. A soft, powdery return to childhood. Not a simulator, just a very linear, track-based Tony Hawklike.
Early Access but I buy it ASAP
I usually avoid Early Access games because my opinions solidify like concrete, but sometimes there are games that absolutely mandate my credit card. Here’s to hoping that the mystical Animal Crossing meets the Fighting Game Community game exists.
A cute animal
There is a high likelihood this category gets devoured by Cult of the Lamb, but a real-life animal would also be lovely.
NEW JRPG
This might seem like a gentle pick, but remember, this is the EU. A JRPG has absolutely no business being here! It’s not Japan!
Indie Dev/Big Publisher
Nothing quite warms the heart like a fat publisher rolling around and bankrolling an earnest, small team, showering them with the infinite power of MARKETING.
A developer is interviewed, confused, and baffled
This might as well be a free space. It’s not that developers are particularily bad at speech, but public speaking is something best flexed by public speakers. I understand the desire to bring a human element to a game’s presentation and that celebrities are pricey.
Bioware IP
In the wake of Starfield and Baldur’s Gate, Bioware has vanished. Where are they post Anthem? Where is Mass Effect? Where is Dragon Age? WHERE ARE YOU?!
Hololive x Fortnite
Every time Fortnite shows up at a big marketing shindig, my eyes rotate into my skull. Not because it’s particularily offensive for the biggest of big games to have the budget to be there, but because the collabs aren’t wild enough to validate the spot.
Hololive though? God, it would be absolutely insane. Trust me, it would signal one of the biggest cultural shifts since your daughter got addicted to Kpop.
Funcom shows nothing
Funcom is the one developer that screams EU, stout and unmoving. They even have a fancy Dune game coming at some point. An absence of presence would come as a complete surprise to me and therefore lands itself as a proper bingo card candidate.
Space Game
Last year’s tiresome theme was space. Everyone wanted to leave earth after Covid destroyed it. Does the trend continue? Will we have white space suits painted on the black canvas of the unknowable? Have we returned to optimism?
Marathon
I don’t play Destiny 2 so I cannot comment on whatever is reviving/murdering the playerbase, but Gamescom is big enough to evoke a peek at Marathon, no?
Rhythm Game
Rhythm games are an absolute desert when it comes to hype. The market is completely controlled by the evil, villanous, vile KONAMI, who has successfully milked college age kids of their money and rizz for decades. Here’s to hoping that someone else kicks down the door and brings back home rhythm. (Yes, I want Trombone Hero 2.)
MMO World Premiere
Absolutely fat shot in the dark. MMOs are very, VERY dead, and that is why I cope, seethe, and slam this bingo shot.
A genuine surprise
Okay, I spent two slots grousing, so here’s a potential freebie for the hopeful out there. What game will this be? Will it be a retro remake that we never saw coming? Will it be a “Damn Unreal Engine 5 looks really cool” game? I’m personally hoping for a new quasi-social experience that makes me less jaded about other game players.
Game that needs a 4090
On the topic of Unreal Engine 5, there is no doubt going to be a game shown that brings lesser graphics cards to their knobby little knees and set most rigs on fire. Here’s to that crazy title, cheers.
Amiga Game Remake
I am fairly certain this category is a dud, but my heart always hopes for a Leander remake. Yes, my age is incredibly apparent, but this is Gamescom and ancient European history should be celebrated, not ridiculed.
Armored Core's last bit of marketing
ARMORED CORE 6. RAVENS. THE TIME IS SOON.
Armored Core’s marketing has been quiet, reserved and wonderfully Japanese. The Americans have made a mess of things, introducing drama about tanks, autolock, and general PvP infighting. Meanwhile, Japan has birthed a new god named Fireworks, who showed the purity of movement as a defensive mechanic and then literally punched a gunship out of the sky.
One last pitch, Fromsoft. The time is now!
Suikoden
The remasters of 1 and 2 still do not have a ****ing release date and it makes me so angry because it has been a year. Okay, I should probably wait for Tokyo Game Show, but still.
A crumb for SOULCALIBUR
So there’s actually a nonzero possibility this will occur with Broken Destiny getting rated for modern consoles. A cheap buck from Bamco, but I’ll take absolutely any copium relating to this series.
Gamescom OGN is coming soon. For now, I rest and await games tommorow. If you want to make your own bingocard, I used Bingobaker.